Newness & Change
So many things have changed since August. We’re dealing with a special needs child, the addition of a new cat, readjustments of medications for more than one of us, and the death of one of our household.
Many things have changed.
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Tonight, a ray of hope and sunshine: Wolf and a friend of ours (we’ll called him S), spent at least an hour beating the hell out of me. It was wonderful and a lot of fun, for all of us I think (I hope).
I’ve learned some Gorean positions, which are pretty awesome and useful.
I’m discussing with one of my best friends a project we’re going to do. That. Will be awesome.
Another friend has shown me new music (Iron & Wine), another has introduced me to a series of books (Redwall), and I still need to make a mix CD for another.
Guardian Island is a refuge some days.
I have old friend who has become a much better friend. This makes me happy.
It’s cold and I have fleece blankets and a cuddly dog, and Daddy will be in bed soon.
Contentment.
And post-scene euphoria 🙂
Goodnight,
Katie
Life
Meds, child (two years old now!), notebooks, planners, household manual, discipline, punishment, cooking, chores, playtime, sex, sleeping, shifts, work, pets. Life.
It takes a lot of work. With the meds and gfcf, it is made possible for me. For us.
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I’ve been feeling sort of . . . not out of control, but like I’m getting away with everything. Controlling behaviour, disrespect, not “thinking right”.
Is this really me, or is this because I read other sub blogs, people with a lot of structure in their lives?
I start feeling “I wish” when I read about Rayne and doubleknot and libby getting “readjustments”. Their speech being controlled, their minds being reworked. Things they’re required to do and ways they’re required to be. Their enslavement.
Enslavement.
I want more. I beg for more.
I don’t know how to do that without feeling demanding.
Just thoughts.
Goodnight,
Katie
Making the bed.
I made the bed. It’s almost an hour past my bedtime, but! I made the bed.
Now, I’m going to climb in.
Goodnight,
Katie
A thank you.
Wolf,
Thank you for the random beating today. Thank you for using me. Thank you for knowing my triggers. And using them. Thank you for the words and the pain and the goodness.
Thank you.
Katie
Hi. I’m alive.
Maybe. Kinda. Sorta. Despite my antidepressant being doubled and me being sick today.
I like paper, and apples, and books. Hi.
I am very tired.
I am kneeling here on a pillow next to the bed, wishing Daddy were here but also enjoying the knowledge that what I’m going to do is curl up with my computer and watch Bones. After I’ve read some Al-Anon stuff.
I’m staring at a new journal blank book thing and wanting to use it, but not being able to think of anything important enough to write in it.
If I write 100 words, that means I’ve done something useful, right?
Of course!
…right?
Goodnight,
Katie
Ponderings
I wonder if one of the reasons I have trouble keeping up with this blog is that I feel like it has to say something important, that it has to “mean something”. That it has to be useful to future generations of budding submissives.
And why in the world doesn’t WordPress think “submissive” is a real word? Or “WordPress” for that matter.
I’m really enjoying being one of the first 100 people to get to try out SubmissiveGuide’s new community feature.
Daddy is gone for the week, and I’m going to try to be extra-awesomely-good. I made the bed today and found it an awesome place to be, every time I felt that I needed a moment to chill. And thanks to my meds, I can use a moment to chill.
Sitting here like this, ignoring the world, makes me feel more capable. That’s a little counterintuitive AND counterproductive, but oh well.
I have a meeting today.
I have various blank books and they all make me want to start a paper journal. I should put blank journal/sketching pages in my planner.
I want to go to sleep but there’s too much to do.
What does any of this have to do with submission? Nothing much. That’s the problem.
I need to gobble food and then leave.
I’ll write more later.
Katie
Control
Wolf has given me an essay assignment. I mentioned a few days ago that the only person one can control is oneself, and his response was, “Interesting. I want an essay on that. 500 words. By Friday.”
Yes, Sir.
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One can only control oneself.
When I said that I had been instructed to write on this subject, a friend of mine said, “You do see the irony there, don’t you?” And while I understand what he means, I disagree.
There is no irony. I was instructed; I make the choice to comply. I control my own actions.
I’m struggling to find much else to say on the subject. I gave up control, I choose to give up control. I agreed to give up control. It is my responsibility and my duty to honor that agreement each and every time I am given an order. I cannot control Wolf’s actions, Daddy’s actions, Wolf’s mate’s actions, ultimately even my child’s actions, and none of them can control mine. Daddy and Wolf can demand. I have agreed to that, even begged for it. I desperately want to submit.
To honor my agreement, I sometimes must submit (choose to obey) even when I don’t want to. This becomes very obviously a choice. For example:
“Daddy, may I have some chocolate?”
“No.”
I have choices here. I want the chocolate. Daddy says no. I could whine, cajole, beg and potentially get what I want, but feel bad and insecure because Daddy gave in (or I could get punished for whining, or Daddy could get angry–he has choices, too, you see). I could say, “Okay,” and go eat the chocolate anyway–thus earning a punishment (or, again, anger and harmful arguing, depending on Daddy’s choices). Or I could choose to submit to what Daddy says.
As a parallel–not a converse–it is my duty and responsibility to refuse to submit under harmful circumstances.
“Protect the property.”
This could require that I submit by not submitting. Choices, all round. For instance, I refuse to submit to anger and irrationality. I do not consider that safe. It is harmful. To honor my ultimate agreement–to protect myself–to submit to my Daddy and to honor our contract, sometimes I must refuse to submit. Ideally this is done in some sort of formal manner, but that doesn’t always work out.
Daddy has said that one can only respond to the stimulus the other person is giving, and that if you want a different response you must change your stimulus. Aside from this being circular logic, how one responds remains a choice. If someone says something that upsets me, I have multiple options from which to choose. I could:
A. Say something hurtful in return
B. Walk away
C. Cry
D. Scream and yell
E. Choose to believe that they did not mean to hurt me (or if they did, it is irrelevant for the moment), remain calm and rational, help them calm down, and then fix the problem
Depending on how much I care about the person and how much I care about fixing the problem, I may choose any of those options, no matter what the other person is saying or who it is. I am under my own control.
I am a human being, no matter what I have given up or choose to play at any moment. I have choices. I may not like my choices (eat the chocolate and get punished or don’t eat the chocolate and continue to crave), but I always have them.
I can only control myself. I cannot control others.
Others can only control themselves. They cannot control me unless I choose to be controlled, and I do so love making that choice.
I am a human being. I have choices.
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There we go. It’s a bit rambly and probably disjointed and may not have touched on the subjects you wanted, Wolf, but it’s what I can do. I haven’t actually written an essay in about 7 years.
Goodnight!
Katie 🙂
I am so tired right now, and in pain. I’m thinking of all the things I should be doing, like reading sub blogs or articles. And working on the household calendar. Getting the chore chart and sticker charts up. All the other household stuff I need to do.
Why is it so hard to just relax? I have this time right now before the baby goes to sleep, when everything I truly need to do tonight done, with time to just sit. Daddy is sitting next to me, Wolf is nearby, and a girl we’re trying to adopt is on my other side, being adorable and sweet. The boy is using Daddy’s computer to watch cartoons, Wolf, the girl and I are using laptops, Daddy for some reason is writing on paper–an unusual sight. The dogs are ranged around us.
I may have had ideas on something to write but I’ve forgotten what now.
Goodnight,
Katie
19 July, 2010 03:50
I am not responsible for filling the silence. And just for today, I will have a program…
Ancora Imparo 