Late night thoughts.

July 18, 2010 at 12:46 pm (Uncategorized)

Somewhat inspired by doubleknot’s rules and mostly by my current situation, I’ve been thinking about computer-related rules and restrictions, off and on, for the last few days. I’ve been without constant Internet access these last few days, and while I haven’t had any housework to do, it has increased my productivity. I’ve spent more time with my son. I’ve written journal entries and blog posts and a few lines of fiction. I’ve finished two books.

I’ve carried my laptop around the house, closed, and opened it occasionally to do something here and there.

It may be beneficial for me to have very specific uses to which I can put my computer.

I have an iPod. I have books and music on it. My justification in asking for it was to facilitate my housework.

I have not used it for that.

I need to.

I need to trim my email inbox again. I need to unsubscribe from all unnecessary things. I need to filter other things.

Streamlined computer usage.

It’s almost 1am and my friends just left and the baby is asleep and I’m rambling.

I know I let my computer eat my time. I shouldn’t let it. It is not beneficial to my household.

So, first: Analysis.

What do I use my computer for?

-emailing Daddy
-other email
-researching how to be a better submissive and household manager/housekeeper
-iPod-related stuff (for me and for the child)
-communication with friends and my mother
-social club stuff – my office as a list mod
-writing
-blogging
-the editing project for a frined
-general downtime/self-care (Netflix, role-playing, Guardian Island, food, reading, etc)
-Google Reader (sub blogs & MLIA)

I need a couple of hours where I focus on cleaning and clearing out my email, and setting up the appropriate filters. And then putting into place a program where I actually check those filters in a systematic way, to get everything done that I need to get done in a day. And so that missing one day won’t mean I’m drowning in email.

I need to be ruthless.

Potential options: Non-productive computer time earned on a merit system. Specific times of day for household research, club stuff, and role-playing (or special permission to keep up with certain threads via my phone). Specified blogging time.

I need to get the kitchen clean after dinner and the coffee made BEFORE dinner.

Another moment: I talked to Daddy on the phone just now to say goodnight, and I hear in his voice confidence, and love. I explained the computer time thing and he said we’d discuss it when we’re together and can sit down and figure it out and how to fit it into a schedule.

A moment of effortless control. It turns me on.

I like reading other peoples’ rules and protocols. I crave a similar document, something concrete to follow. Something very real.

I want a new rosary, something I can dedicate to slave prayers. I also wish I’d brought my wooden rosary with me, but I brought a hundred other things. I need to learn to pack lighter. Granted, this is lighter, comparatively.

I forget I’m wearing my collar except when I move and feel it. I wore it tight today and it was a near-constant reminder. It’s . . . awesome. Truly awesome.

1:21am. Time for sleep. Thank you, Daddy, for not requiring my 10:30 bed time during this trip.

I will try to be better about sticking to it when I get home.

Goodnight,
Katie

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A thought.

July 17, 2010 at 6:11 pm (Uncategorized)

It has occurred to me that Daddy has recently been asking me to do things more often. Little things. Make his coffee. It’s things like this that he was never comfortable with before. I wonder what’s changed and how he feels when I do as he asks.

And that brings to mind that the one thing Wolf asked me to do before I left was to make coffee and I forgot. Sigh.

I’m not supposed to be beating myself up about that.

But I do see it as a failure, and one that is frequent if I don’t maintain some sort of memory-aid system. I should carry a pen in my pocket and write on my hands when necessary.

Anyway. This started with trying to explain how I felt when I realized that Daddy has been asking me to do things. I had a sudden moment of realization and pride. Pleasure. Pleased that Daddy is pleased enough with me to use me. And comfortable enough with himself, with me, with everything, to do such things.

I want to be a good girl.

I love you, Daddy.

Katie

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A request + more.

July 15, 2010 at 9:32 pm (Uncategorized)

I would like to request that the following protocol be considered:

If the slave feels the need to bring up an issue, she is on her knees during the discussion.

This is inspired partially by other subs whose blogs I read–at least one for whom this is a requirement–and partially by the a newsletter from church. I won’t quote it, but it discusses the purpose of kneeling in prayer, as a reminder of personal position (submission to God) and to eliminate distractions (eyes on the floor).

Another point it brings up is the importantce of one’s attitude, that an attitude of service and submission is more important than one’s physical position.

It would also seem beneficial for the slave to be on her knees if those above her wished to bring up issues, as well.

Please excuse my unusual use of third person in this post. It flowed better that way 😉

Other notes:

I’ve been wearing my collar every day while I’m visiting my parents (which is where I am right now). I can’t wear my “Daddy’s girl” necklace here–that wouldn’t work out well at all. But my parents are used to me wearing a leather dog collar, and so that’s what I’m wearing. I’ve been taking a moment to get my mind right when I put it on in the morning, and a moment when I take it off at night. It also brings to mind the right headspace when I’m outside in the 100F heat and it’s heavy and sweaty on my neck.

This is the first time I’ve been around family since gfcf and antidepressants. It’s interesting. Social interaction is a little easier and it’s easier to let go of frustration and even anger. It’s a good thing.

I want to go home. I miss Daddy. I miss my dogs. I miss Wolf. I miss his mate to some extent but it is different. We are still healing. I don’t want to go into those details right now, but I should sometime, because this blog is meant to be a chronicle. What will I remember in 20 years? What do I want to be able to read?

The good and the bad.

I want more good to record. I want the time and the mental acuity to actually sit down and record the good.

My family is healing. My family has the chance to heal. That’s a good thing.

I want chocolate.

Goodnight,
Katie

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Blanket Night

July 3, 2010 at 11:24 pm (Uncategorized)

Some day, do you suppose I’ll do this when I’m suppose to? We’ll see. Maybe if checks and stickers are involved.

The potential advantage–and the one I anticipated–of living in a household with another submissive and two Doms should be that everyone can learn from eachother, right?

Not so much.

I want to both figure out how to help my fellow household sub learn more, learn how to submit, learn the beauties and glories and safety, and remain in a non-controlling mindset.

I wish she’d read The Surrendered Wife. I wish she’d read Slavecraft and Erotic Slavehood. I wish she’d read Submissive Guide and the myriad of other resources out there, blogs and fetlife and forums. I think that changing her fetlife designation to ‘slave’ and forcing herself to identify that way, giving up her last bit of ‘I am a Domme’ attitude, would help immensely. That’s not to say she couldn’t regain her ‘switch’ mindset later–or beta if that suits her better–but she needs to learn to accept submission as a viable life choice, since she’s, well, made that choice.

Anyway, this blog is supposed to be about my own submission. Right? Right.

But I like to help. I want to help. I have no idea how to help, and especially how to help without being controlling, and that’s hard.

On to how to help me:
I need to get back to reading Submissive Guide most of all, and the books I have lying around (Different Loving, and some erotica Daddy bought me recently). I’m reading way too many books at once (I always am), but still.

Sometimes I feel like I say ‘I’ way, way too much. Is that an only child thing, an entitlement complex, or just me?

I know I have controlling tendencies. And perfectionist tendencies. These can be excellent traits in a butler, right? 😉 Sometimes. Perfectionism is useful when it’s not detrimental. When it’s not paralyzing.

I’ve giving up letting perfectionism paralyze me. Thank you, Celexa. Thank you, gluten-free casein-free.

Thank you for freeing my mind from its chains of depression and ADD. I can FUNCTION!

And ramble. I can definitely ramble.

I’ve put together a “chore” chart for the household, for everyone in it. I say “chore” in quote marks because I don’t like the word. It’s gained a negative connotation in this society, and I don’t think that’s fair at all. These are tasks that every household needs in order to operate smoothly, in a way that best facilitates every member of said household.

And they will get done.

There’s also a sticker chart, lists of where things belong, and lists of how to do things, like clean the bathroom. I’m having fun with these things. I enjoy researching; now that I have a brain, I also enjoy DOING! It’s pretty awesome.

I also enjoy that I can have coffee at 6pm and it does not matter: Celexa is going to knock me out and I am going to sleep 🙂

Goodnight.

Katie!

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23 June, 2010 01:16

June 23, 2010 at 1:16 am (Uncategorized)

I never want to lose my wonder.

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22 June, 2010 22:21

June 22, 2010 at 10:21 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m in a car. It’s where I should be. Part of my life is here and I am learning. My wrists say “slave” and my heart says LOVE!

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21 June, 2010 22:13

June 21, 2010 at 10:13 pm (Uncategorized)

This is me posting from my phone b/c I haveno Internet access right now. Daddy and I aretravelling. Will post in full ASAP.

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100 words.

June 16, 2010 at 3:17 pm (Uncategorized)

Ack. Hello. This is a blog post. See? It’s here.

It’s 11:11. Isn’t that supposed to mean something?

Daddy is waiting for me. I should have done this earlier in the day.

I wish I had something useful to say.

The next four days are going to be crazy, and I have no motivation, and I’m exhausted, and arrrrg.

Tomorrow early morning essentials: Protein, laughing, and dogwalking.

Tomorrow late morning: 1 hour or more of work. (Clean bathrooms, tidy couch.)

Tomorrow afternoon: Self-care time, and then lots more work. Plan groceries and how to do Saturday’s food.

Tomorrow evening: ?

Plans. Yes.

Goodnight!

Katie

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Long day

June 14, 2010 at 9:46 pm (Uncategorized)

The last few days have been exhausting, in body and mind. I don’t think I have the mind today to write. There are changes and things and and and…

Yeah.

Wolf and Daddy decided to bring someone into the house for the night, and Wolf’s mate and I have to submit to this. They did take our concerns into consideration and the person will be here one night instead of three. I’m just having a hard time with it for some reason, and need to get my mind straight. Hopefully some shower time, a book, and some chocolate will help with that.

I love you, Daddy. I love you, Wolf.

I will be good.

Katie

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My time thoughts.

June 12, 2010 at 12:25 am (Uncategorized)

Sitting here in the dark, in my long pink nightgown, listening to the Sisters of Mercy, I have cravings. This is the time of night where time doesn’t matter. Tomorrow doesn’t matter. I can live forever in these hours.

I crave littlespace.
I crave communication.
I crave cuddles.
I crave writing.
I crave a night spent staring at my computer screen, reading and writing and thinking.

I crave ritual, I crave ceremony.

In these hours, everything feels right, and I feel capable. Those moments when I do not want to comply do not matter, and I want everything.

I want ritual, I want routine, but I know that there will always be moments, times, days, when I just don’t feel like it. I want to give Daddy a coming-home ritual, something to remind him that he comes home to his property, comes to a place and a person where he can exert power. But I know that it would be hard for me to do, to always be ready to do something. I want to give my son a bedtime ritual that involves putting his toys away and having a story read to him, but no matter how often I remind myself, I forget one component or another.

Routine is hard.

But it’s getting easier.

I love the idea of “reminder” rituals. Wolf spanked me while I was in the shower tonight, as he was on his way out the door to go pick up slaveboy. He teased me, too, with soft and seductive words in my ear. It’s his reminder to me, reminding me of my place.

Daddy gave me that today, too–blindfolded and instructed, then held down and used while I fought. Claimed. Tamed. It was wonderful, and Daddy seemed so very happy. I want more of that.

I should go to bed now, but I don’t want to. I never want to go to bed in these hours. I want to stay awake and then go to sleep when the world wakes up. The night time causes me much less pain than the day time.

But I cannot serve if I am exhausted. And so I will sleep.

Goodnight 🙂

Katie

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