May 21, 2010 at 8:57 pm (Uncategorized)

I feel like I’ve been begging for this life for years now. I’m not sure how I feel about that–kind of demanding, kind of needy.

I’m glad it’s gone at Daddy’s pace.

That’s not to say I’ve always been glad of that, which is paradoxical, or at least hypocritical, I suppose. The directive “Dominate me!!” as a concept doesn’t really work 🙂

I feel comfortable now. As much as I’ve begged and pleaded and complained and whined, it’s still all gone at Daddy’s pace, however much that may have irritated and frustrated me at the time.

I’m trying to figure out what point I was wanting to get to. I think I had one while I was out walking, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to make me sound like a whiny brat…

Ummmm.

It’s ended up the way it should. I feel safe, and good, and I no longer feel like I’m begging. I feel much more at ease with myself. I know Daddy will do as he pleases. And that makes me very, very happy.

Thank you, Daddy.

Katie

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Three in one?

May 20, 2010 at 7:44 pm (Uncategorized)

Contrition

Last night, I was grumpy and out of spoons and tired and just didn’t think I could face doing anything or seeing anyone or dealing with even my family. I asked twice to stay home when the family went out for dinner, but Daddy wouldn’t let me. I was very upset, and scared. I stopped talking and started signing, to conserve spoons, and so I wouldn’t have to engage. I was anticipating being completely out of spoons by the end of the evening, and unable to take the maintenence spanking time I was supposed to have with Wolf, and unable to enjoy my time with Daddy. As it happened, food and family conversation perked me up and I was able to make it through the evening and the night. Daddy took me for the maintenance (6 days worth!) while Wolf and his mate left for coffee and more of their own negotiations and conversations.

The moment this exchange was revealed to me was odd. My immediate thought was relief, because I know how harsh Wolf was going to be, but then I also remembered that Daddy has come home, that this is the old Daddy, from before, and I didn’t know what to expect. So I waited, and didn’t predict, which I think is good for me.

Daddy was, I think, easier on me than Wolf would have been, in the end. Wolf asked me today if I thought the 6 days had been made up for, and my response was that that wasn’t for me to decide. He seemed surprised, but agreed. Hopefully that was a test passed 🙂

Transitions Part II

Wolf’s mate is no longer “Ma’am” in my mind. We haven’t played in that way in a long time. This is why she hasn’t been referred to that way in this blog in a long time. This is a necessary transition, for my world and for hers. She is growing, too, in her submission and in her life. Thus, she needs a new name here. I have suggestions:

Athaithne – renewal
Rena – reborn/rebirth
Alana – awakening

Thoughts, Wolf, please?

Red/Yellow/Green

I’ve been told to write a red/yellow/green list. This is difficult for me to do in anything other than broad concepts. To do a detailed list, I may need more guidance. And I view anything that falls under yellow as something that will get pushed until it’s either red or green, per Daddy’s or Wolf’s desires.

I greatly enjoy being forced, but it’s hard to find something that I don’t want to do if it’s what those above me want. So to truly force me, it has to be something that I don’t like–like swallowing cum. At the moment, I desperately want to be forced to do that, because it’s not something I like.

Hey, it doesn’t have to make sense, right?

Anyway.

Red – Harm. It is my responsibility to state what is harmful when I think of it or when it comes up. The only thing that comes to mind at this moment is punching my breasts–there are lactation mechanisms in there that could burst, which would hurt like absolute fuck, and also could become infected. Which could kill me.
Yellow – ? Not right right now.
Green – Heh… lots of things. Age play, spanking, flogging, restrictions, being ordered around…

I’m honestly not trying to slack on this assignment, I’m just not sure how to do it satisfactorally. Sigh.

This might be easier if I find a BDSM checklist and go through that.

Katie

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Transitions

May 18, 2010 at 5:09 pm (Uncategorized)

Life changes.

A lot.

How did I go into a renegotiation where I didn’t feel confident or safe giving anything and end up giving everything?

I’m not even sure how to explain that. No, that’s not right. I know exactly how to explain, but I’m feeling private and prudish. Which doesn’t make sense for a public blog. So um. Give me a minute to compose myself and ponder what to say and how to say it.

There were explosions over the weekend. Daddy and I both said things that didn’t need to get said, and we both came out of it as somewhat different people.

It led to re-dedication and rethinking. The “D/s” concept was eradicated, for a few days, between us. It left Daddy not knowing how to act, which seems to have been a revelation for him.

He asked for everything, for slavery. And he said it with truth and conviction, and so I said yes.

I think something has been missing, and that’s been confidence for Daddy, confidence in what he wants and how to get it. He found some of that last night, and I hope it stays. I’m terrified that it may not, but I will choose to trust, and I will choose faith.

I love you, Daddy. Thank you.

On other fronts, circumstances have for several days now prevented Wolf and me from coming together for the maintenance spankings he’d instituted. To make up, I’m told tonight will be… painful. Very, very painful.

Give me strength.

Katie

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Maintenance Spankings

May 13, 2010 at 9:44 pm (Uncategorized) ()

…are good? I think I had more to say on this, but I really don’t.

I love how my thighs feel right now.

Thank you, Wolf and Daddy.

Katie

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Rambles

May 12, 2010 at 8:48 pm (Uncategorized)

When I’m writing here, I usually aim for 350 words. I’m not sure why, but I do. It seems like a decent number of words, for some reason.

Baby and I have a strange cough. He seems to have a sore throat as well, and if it keeps us awake tonight like it did last night, I may have to destroy small villages with my rage.

I’m not sure what to ramble about. What else is new? Yet again, I waited till night time to write. That always seems stupid.

I would love to get my mind together enough to write articles, explain some things, ramble about the lifestyle from my point of view. But my brain goes in a hundred different directions…

I want sex. Right this second.

I also want to stop coughing, and I want to be out shopping with Daddy and Wolf rather than lying here getting my nipples chewed on by a grumpy, over-zealous toddler.

And I want to spin yarn, and sleep, and read, and take a bath, and comment on other subs’ blogs, and…

See? Directions.

This cough drop is not helping.

I would like rules and protocol, but I want them to be enforced. To mean something. They can be completely arbitrary and silly, so long as they matter in some way… at least enough that violations are at least noticed. This is something I expect Wolf can help with, though I can also imagine a “you must confess, and explain how it might have worked better” sort of clause being used…

At the moment, I want to message and friend lunaKM (who runs Submissive Guide) on fetlife, but my fetlife profile still reflects the time when I was not allowed to speak to people without Daddy’s permission… that particular thing has seemed lax lately, and I don’t know for sure if it’s still in effect.

Obviously this is a conversation I should be having with Daddy, not the Internet, but he’s not here at this moment and I have to write something. So the Internet it is :p

Things that help keep me sane:
Miyavi
-my dog
-chocolate
-sub blogs/fetlife/the Internet BDSM community
-knowing my place/being reminded of my place
-the house being tidy
-trains
-howling
-F350 flatbed…

Things that do not help keep me sane:
-coughing
-my psychologist
-hot chocolate with soy instead of milk 😦
-noise toys

And it occurs to me that it’s been way too long since I really indulged in being little. I should play on Guardian Island tomorrow.

Time to read, I think. Night!

Katie

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Random note to self.

May 11, 2010 at 12:31 pm (Uncategorized) ()

This is a reminder to myself: I need to ask fetlife to change my name to something else–maybe “katieface” or “littlekatieface”, and I should probably make a kinky Twitter account, and make sure I have my Guardian Island name, Twitter, fetlife, etc all on a profile page on this blog…

I should also go back through my posts and tag them.

I’m thinking of this because I know Wolf is going to have me start trying to publicize the blog a little, and get some readers… and that’s a little scary!

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Journal prompt: Why do you want to be controlled?

May 11, 2010 at 12:28 pm (Uncategorized)

Amusingly, fetlife is down for the moment, so I can’t poke around there and read, which is what I was planning on doing right this moment… so here I am, to be productive, instead! Hi.

There’s a prompt over at the journal prompts section of Submissive Guide which says: Why do you want to be controlled?

It’s an interesting question, and right now, a hard one to answer. I have no idea why my soul sores when Daddy holds me down and slaps me when I hesitate in doing what he’s told me to do, although I can guess that the adrenaline of fear has something to do with it. Why I get the same feeling when he puts his hand on the back of my neck or grabs my hair and puts me where he wants me, I don’t know.

I can give my usual stated reasons for choosing submission: It provides security, safety, love, passion. I enjoy serving those I love. And despite telling Big Brother otherwise, I am afraid of responsibility and I don’t want to have to deal with the world. And I use my position in life to help me hide from it.

But I also use that position to help me deal with those fears, and try to work through them. There are times when Daddy or Wolf won’t let me hide. And that helps.

I can ramble on and on about all the reasons I like to be controlled, but I don’t think that really gets down to the real “why”. Why do I feel those things? Why is being controlled a pleasant experience for me? Is it just human nature–animal nature–that we all enjoy the dance? I do think that’s part of it. Is it something to do with how I was raised? Possibly. My parents kinda dropped the ball. I know I’ve been looking for that security since I was very young, and struggling to find it.

I know, intellectually, that I have that safety and security and love now.

But I still have moments, days, when I think it’s all going to be taken away. I still have panicky moments of, “This is going to end and I’m going to have to go home (to my mom and dad and their horrible house).”

But I am home.

I’m not sure what sort of conclusion I should put here. “I don’t know why I want to be controlled, I just know that I do”?

I suppose that’ll do.

It’s naptime now!

Katie

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Day of win… but exhaustion.

May 9, 2010 at 11:05 pm (Uncategorized)

Today began at 6:48am, when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.

Today ends now at 11:54pm, so very many hours later, with so many things behind me.

I’d planned on writing about Consensual Non-Consent, rape fantasies, what it means in my world and perhaps detail at least one particular scene. I do still want to write that post, but I’m going to need a lot more spoons for that.

There are family things happening right now, but I’m not going to write about that, either–not yet, anyway.

In short, I have little to write about right now. WordPress tells me that my word count is currently 100. I would like to make it to at least 200, although I’m not sure that means anything if there really isn’t any content…

There is a week of work ahead. The house needs to be put in order for guests on Friday. Wolf and I will be working on that over the week. It will be… interesting. I’m going to take the opportunity, I hope, to start new habits. I’m going to go through my old 1960s housekeeping books, flylady.net, etc for ideas and tools. It will be glorious (as Wolf would say).

Daddy has been awesome today. Daddy’s awesome everyday, of course, but today he’s done a lot of financial footwork, and other random things (some of them to do with CNC! and I was thrilled), and been very patience, even when I went into full ‘rawr that’s stupid here’s what’s right arrrrg’ mode (when I totally shouldn’t have).

I’m practically falling asleep at the computer…

I should make a list of topics I would like to write on. I would love to make such a list, but am too tired for my brain to work.

This is a list I made a while back, that I seem to have saved to my computer:

Topics:
affirmations
devotions
rituals
rules vs protocol vs ritual vs routine
spanking: punishment vs cartharsis vs erotic (include definitions of those three words)
quotes

There. I’ll choose something for the next post, and maybe I’ll work on writing it tomorrow (ahead of schedule).

Goodnight…

Katie
(358 words! there we go.)

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Quotes from today.

May 7, 2010 at 10:30 pm (Uncategorized)

“Cunt.”
Mmmmm…
“Ahh, you like hearing that, don’t you, slut? Daddy’s cumslut. You just like being called Daddy’s cunt, don’t you? Whore.”

Wolf: You need anything, Katie?
Me: Uhh… three redheads, half a bridge, and some flowers.
Daddy: And a train. An elevator train!
Me: -flowers, and caboose. ELEVATOR TRAIN!!!
Wolf: Why do you need a bridge?
Me: HALF a bridge I said.
Wolf: What do you want with half a bridge?
Me: [rolls eyes] For the flowers.
Wolf: That’s what the caboose is for.
Me: NO it’s NOT.
Wolf: Then what’s the caboose for?
Me: [huff] The CHOCOLATE!

And then Wolf’s mate walked outside, came back, handed me a toy train, half a toy bridge, and a flower. And then Wolf pulled out three of her red hairs and handed them to me as well.

I has stuff!

Me: I have to write a blog post.
Daddy: Yes, you do.
Me: But I want to spend time with you.
Daddy: Yes, but it goes back to requirements and priorities.
Me: What priorities?
Daddy: Right now, your priority is to do what Wolf told you to do.

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Erotic Slavehood, Lesson 3

May 5, 2010 at 3:58 pm (Uncategorized)

For this lesson, I am to: List five things I do very well, list five things I don’t know how to do but would like to learn, and list five things I would love to do but wouldn’t admit to in public.

This exercise is difficult, partly because I don’t know what I do that could be considered “done well”. I know I can train dogs really very well, I have the technical knowledge, but I don’t do it. So what counts?

Now, there are plenty of things I’d love to learn. That’s no problem. Just picking five will be a problem. But things I wouldn’t admit to in public? What kind of public? Out in the grocery store? Lots of things, but not because I’m ashamed of them–more because that would be rude or vulgar. In front of Big Brother or my grandfather? Well, if they asked, not a whole lot. I know there are things they wouldn’t like to hear, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t tell them if there was a reason to tell them. And Big Brother… there’s nothing I wouldn’t tell him if he asked, and I’m pretty sure he knows that.

Five things I do well: Give blowjobs, condition animals, follow orders 🙂 , clean, cook.

Five things I don’t know how to learn but would like to: Learn multiple languages, learn to cook better, read books in a more timely manner, save money, gain pain tolerance.

Five things I would like to do but wouldn’t admit in public: Let’s go with “wouldn’t say outright to Big Brother without his asking”… be gang-banged… um… um… I can’t think of anything else…

Exercise done.

Wolf has analyzed my psychologist, and it was amusing. We’ve come to the conclusion that she is relatively useless. I will have to find a new one. This is saddening, because it’s complicated.

*ramble ramble*

I think I had more thoughts, but my spoons are rapidly disappearing. I’m just waiting for Daddy to get home. I need Daddy cuddles to get through the rest of the evening.

It’s been an interesting day.

Katie

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