23 June, 2010 01:16

June 23, 2010 at 1:16 am (Uncategorized)

I never want to lose my wonder.


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22 June, 2010 22:21

June 22, 2010 at 10:21 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m in a car. It’s where I should be. Part of my life is here and I am learning. My wrists say “slave” and my heart says LOVE!

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21 June, 2010 22:13

June 21, 2010 at 10:13 pm (Uncategorized)

This is me posting from my phone b/c I haveno Internet access right now. Daddy and I aretravelling. Will post in full ASAP.

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100 words.

June 16, 2010 at 3:17 pm (Uncategorized)

Ack. Hello. This is a blog post. See? It’s here.

It’s 11:11. Isn’t that supposed to mean something?

Daddy is waiting for me. I should have done this earlier in the day.

I wish I had something useful to say.

The next four days are going to be crazy, and I have no motivation, and I’m exhausted, and arrrrg.

Tomorrow early morning essentials: Protein, laughing, and dogwalking.

Tomorrow late morning: 1 hour or more of work. (Clean bathrooms, tidy couch.)

Tomorrow afternoon: Self-care time, and then lots more work. Plan groceries and how to do Saturday’s food.

Tomorrow evening: ?

Plans. Yes.



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Long day

June 14, 2010 at 9:46 pm (Uncategorized)

The last few days have been exhausting, in body and mind. I don’t think I have the mind today to write. There are changes and things and and and…


Wolf and Daddy decided to bring someone into the house for the night, and Wolf’s mate and I have to submit to this. They did take our concerns into consideration and the person will be here one night instead of three. I’m just having a hard time with it for some reason, and need to get my mind straight. Hopefully some shower time, a book, and some chocolate will help with that.

I love you, Daddy. I love you, Wolf.

I will be good.


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My time thoughts.

June 12, 2010 at 12:25 am (Uncategorized)

Sitting here in the dark, in my long pink nightgown, listening to the Sisters of Mercy, I have cravings. This is the time of night where time doesn’t matter. Tomorrow doesn’t matter. I can live forever in these hours.

I crave littlespace.
I crave communication.
I crave cuddles.
I crave writing.
I crave a night spent staring at my computer screen, reading and writing and thinking.

I crave ritual, I crave ceremony.

In these hours, everything feels right, and I feel capable. Those moments when I do not want to comply do not matter, and I want everything.

I want ritual, I want routine, but I know that there will always be moments, times, days, when I just don’t feel like it. I want to give Daddy a coming-home ritual, something to remind him that he comes home to his property, comes to a place and a person where he can exert power. But I know that it would be hard for me to do, to always be ready to do something. I want to give my son a bedtime ritual that involves putting his toys away and having a story read to him, but no matter how often I remind myself, I forget one component or another.

Routine is hard.

But it’s getting easier.

I love the idea of “reminder” rituals. Wolf spanked me while I was in the shower tonight, as he was on his way out the door to go pick up slaveboy. He teased me, too, with soft and seductive words in my ear. It’s his reminder to me, reminding me of my place.

Daddy gave me that today, too–blindfolded and instructed, then held down and used while I fought. Claimed. Tamed. It was wonderful, and Daddy seemed so very happy. I want more of that.

I should go to bed now, but I don’t want to. I never want to go to bed in these hours. I want to stay awake and then go to sleep when the world wakes up. The night time causes me much less pain than the day time.

But I cannot serve if I am exhausted. And so I will sleep.

Goodnight 🙂


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Exercise, Discipline, Affection

June 9, 2010 at 4:50 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m intrigued by the vastness of the world. That’s not how that sentence started out, but it’s appropriate.

There are so many things that can be controlled, on a day to day basis. Tiny little things that people take for granted, freedoms people don’t even realize are freedoms. And such a variety of ways those things can be controlled…

What comes to mind right now are doors. Some subs are to open the doors for their Doms. Some subs are not allowed to touch doors. I understand the reasoning for both of these–the former says, “You are my servant.” while the latter can say, “You are my property and I control your movement in the world.”

“You are my servant.” makes sense to me on an intrinsic, butlerine level. “I control your movement in the world” makes sense to my dog-training, pack-oriented, canine brain. It’s one of the basic principles of pack structure.

Of course, always opening the door for a sub could just mean the Dom is a gentleman 🙂 I’ve always expected Big Brother to give the standing order that I am to go through doors ahead of him–contravening my instinct–but he never has.

I like the idea of protocol for most things, and of protocol that carries over into public, daily life. Any protocol for doors, or eating (specific rules on what foods are allowed), or when the sub can eat, or if permission to begin eating is required, waiting for Dom to eat first, etc.

I’m also interested in less obvious protocol. I know of subs who are required to keep the bathroom door open when they’re using the toilet (to indicate lack of privacy when it comes to their Dom), or who must ask permission for every bathroom visit. What other forms of bathroom-related control are are possible? Must practice Kegel exercises while urinating, must wash hands (or wash hands with a particular soap), apply lotions, clean up in a certain way every time (with water and soap, a rag, powders or lotions, etc).

In my household, I would not be surprised if neglecting self-care became a punishable offense. When I neglect self-care, or when anyone else does, it makes us less capable, or even incapable, of serving.

Much of what I read describes Dominant partners using their positions to improve their subs’ habits, mental health, and lives. I see a lot of food-related rules, to help with gaining or losing weight (depending on the issues the sub faces), money rules, rules against self-loathing, but what I sometimes don’t see put in place is the protocol to explain how to do these things.

I would be intrigued by many things being controlled (through specific protocol, rules, and/or restriction), for my improvement or for Wolf’s or Daddy’s pleasure or amusement. Some ideas:
-social interaction
-food (my diet is already restricted, through personal choice, but I am not currently held accountable if I cheat)
-clothing (uniform? dress code? I want a long apron)
-computer time (eek)
-using doors
-moving through the world in any way

Now, anything that can be seen as a privilege–chocolate, computer time, apple juice–can be restricted, thus used as reward. If allowed freely, then removal of it can be punishment. If access is restricted, then it can be used as a reward.

I think that’s all I’ve got on that subject today.

Thank you for reading! 🙂


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Daddy said this post didn’t have to be in English. Or serious.

June 6, 2010 at 8:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Dove la stazione ferrovieria?

Parlo un po l’italiano…

And I can’t remember if “eble” is an Italian word or an Esperanto word. Or both.

My studies are severely lacking.

I want lots of tolchoks this nochy, must gavoreet with Da and give some begging slovos.

Is is pathetic that my Nadsat is better than my Italian right now?

I can’t read in the dark and that’s bothering me right now. I want an iPad, and I want Fablehaven as an eBook.

I also want some really good kitfo. Or gored gored that isn’t swimming in boring, gritty sauce.

Mmmm raw meat.

Good night…


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June 4, 2010 at 10:46 pm (Uncategorized)

This is a post, because there must be one.

I have no spoons. At all.

I have no words.

I am exhausted, and overwhelmed, and scared.

Not for any reason, though. It’s just the end of the day, and I am me.

I have no words right now. The only thing that is going through my head is “Every other day, I will write. *WACK*”




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Nine days. 1000 Words.

June 2, 2010 at 5:13 pm (Uncategorized)

Nine days. Nine days delinquency.

I’m not sure what this will mean for me in the next couple of days.

I have no excuses, only explanations, and honestly a big one of those is, ‘No one seemed to notice, and if they don’t care, why should I?’

I know that’s not actually true. It was noticed. Perhaps Wolf was thinking the same thing, or something similar–not saying anything and just waiting to see how long I would let it go. I don’t know.

It was my plan to sit here and write for two hours, non-stop stream of consciousness about nothing and/or everything. I don’t think that is going to happen, though. My attention will wander, or I’ll start hating how I sound, and I’ll stop.

The last many days have taken a lot out of me. I’ve been sick, been crazy, other family members have flipped out, the household has been in some form of chaos, and now I’m having a period for the second time in about two and a half weeks. I’m sort of done. I want to be done now, please.

Right at this very moment, I’m not even finding comfort in the idea of submission. That bothers me, or at least it would bother me if I weren’t feeling so sociopathic. (WordPress doesn’t think “sociopathic” is a word. It also doesn’t think “WordPress” is a word, apparently.) I’ve come to know myself well enough to know that when I’m in this kind of mood, this strange mood where I don’t care about anyone or anything, which I suppose is a sign of depression, where was my sentence? Hold on, let me try this again.

I’ve come to understand that while I may feel this way in the moment, I will care again, and so I must act as if I care so that everything I care about will still be there when I “wake up” again. It doesn’t usually take long. This may only take dinner, a shower, and some cuddles from Daddy. Maybe something to eradicate the sin of failing to write for so long. I assume that won’t be in a beating–especially since I’ll be requesting a beating tonight–but in something that would actually be punishment. Atonement.

Extrapolating on my normal desires and on how I felt earlier today, I have to assume that even though I am apathetic right now, later I will want to play. Scene. Get dominated and beaten.

I’m not allowed to have penetrative sex until Saturday. I expected this to be annoying and difficult, but right now it’s oddly freeing. It takes the pressure off of me to have to be ‘a good girl’ and be ready.

I want to feel safe. Used. Owned.

I need to feel that Daddy is fully present, so that I can let myself go.

I need to know that he’s truly home, again. Still. So that I can feel safe in letting go and truly submitting in the context of a scene.

I can submit in a functional way in daily life–follow direction, ask permission, etc. But sometimes, most of the time, it’s just by rote. For a few glorious days, it was true, it felt right, because I knew Daddy was home again. Even if the actions were by rote, when I accepted them, I felt “slave”.

And then we fought again, and now I don’t know. I’m scared again.

I’m not sure how to remedy this. Maybe this weekend will fix it. Daddy and I are going off for a weekend while Wolf and his mate stay with the child, because they are awesome.

It takes me at least three hours to relax and really understand that we’re away and I can rest and not have to worry about the baby. Maybe when I can finally relax enough to let go like that, I can see it. I can understand. I smell it, feel it. Remember that Daddy really is home.

Or, if necessary, drag him home 🙂

I have no more words. I need sleep, or food, or both.

I’m hiding in the closet in the baby’s room right now, with the bedroom door closed and the closet door closed, nestled in a huge pile of pillows and blankets, with Daddy’s blanket stretched across the closet shelf as an extra insulating door, where he put it to comfort me. And I’m playing a thunderstorm on my computer while I write, to help drown out sound, and I can still hear sounds that are bothering me. Wolf’s mate is singing–I LOVE it when she sings–but it’s bothering me, too, and that is not a good sign at all.

It’s getting better, though. The closed doors are helping, and maybe they’ve gotten quieter. Or I’ve gotten used to it. Or something.

Wolf is cooking dinner. It will be wonderful, because it is rice noodles in a peanut sauce.

I’ve spent the day focused largely on food. Most of my open tabs in Chrome have something to do with food–food blogs, Chowhound, Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu. I have lots of research to do. I’m trying to come up with a couple of menus, and I will probably be actually cooking them, to test. It will be interesting.

Wolf’s mate and I are planning a picnic sometime in the near future. There may be scrambled eggs, and I am so tempted to cook a rabbit. Unbelievably tempted. This website is encouraging me greatly.

Most of my background is in winter foods, hearty stick-to-the-ribs stuff, but it’s nearly summer and that just won’t do.

Cold colonial rabbit, a loaf of gluten-free bread, some honey, some safflower potatoes, a slaw of some kind, maybe some cold canned beets, and some cold gluten-free berry cobbler? Sounds excellent to me. I want it all, right now.

I’m hungry.

Quail also sounds excellent. Can one do saffron quail or is quail considered too strongly flavoured? How about a good saffron rice with a simple roasted quail, and some seasonal vegetables alongside?

I love living where I know I can go out to the store and buy quail and rabbit. It makes me very, very happy.

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