So far behind.

March 22, 2010 at 12:43 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s hard when a multitude of factors take over. Depression, anger, fear, illness, guests, doctors, vets. Our own personal inconsistencies keep the inertia of dysfunction going.

I’d say again that I want to stop that, but I’m going to keep my mouth shut this time. Maybe if I stop talking about it and start just trying to /do/ it, it will work.

Daddy and I are working on it all. We’re trying so hard. We’re both learning, growing. I’m going to a psychologist, Daddy is learning to recognize what stresses him so he can figure out when to relax.

But, in the face of all of that, I’ve managed to regularly have at least three meals a day. More often than not, sitting down at a table with the baby. And most of the time, we all remember to say something we’re thankful for.

So new, good habits are possible. I can do it. We can do it. The preacherman at church last night said it too, "What good habits are you establishing?" He meant spiritual habits, and I listened. Submission and service and surrender are part of my spirituality. So I listened.

Alpha Wolf (Ma’am’s alpha) is holding us all together right now. Where he found the well of infinite patience, I don’t know, but he found it just in time, and I’m so proud of him. And so grateful for him. I’ll tell him that at dinner tonight: I’m thankful for the Alpha Wolf and his patience and his love. Thank you, Sir.

In more relevant news, Daddy and I are working on a week-by-week contract, something to review and discuss as the week goes by, and sign again on each Sunday. Until we have a better working document, something more long-term. This is exciting for me 🙂


It’s so hard to have the faith right now. I’m struggling so hard with everything. I’m trying so hard. Every day, I’m looking at the blackness and saying, No, you will not take me today. And some days I can’t hold it off and I fall and I’m begging you (panther-you?) and Her, the one with strings, to pull me out again. She’ll help you, I know she will. And if you can’t, she’ll help you for you, and Wolf can help me until she gets you on your feet again. Maybe when you can’t talk, you should play. It’s not my language but it is yours and maybe it will work. Let me cry while you play and maybe it’ll be okay.

I want to know my place and my love and my heart and I want to remember and I don’t want to worry so much.

I want to serve.


I love you.


"I want a slave rosary," I said.
"Make one," he said, that simply.


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Self-care Items

March 2, 2010 at 1:38 pm (Uncategorized)

The Surrendered Wife advocates self-care. The first “exercise” (so to speak) of that book is to list 10 things that are fun, and ten more things that make you feel good about yourself. The goal then is to do three of these things every day.

Things that are fun
-long, looong hot bath
-watching Homicide
-reading MLIA
-reading Sati
-reading mindlessly (or mostly)
-sending cameraphone pictures to too many people
-chiropractor visits
-sitting in a bookstore, reading
-making notes
-watching boxing matches
-eating raw beef
-little time (Daddy time)
-talking to Chris F
-buying things (sometimes)
-closet time
-getting shaving gear ready

Things that make me feel good about myself
-cleaning the kitchen
-staying off the computer, playing with Elijah
-walking dogs
-training dogs
-write love letters
-give encouragement to those I love
-finishing books
-writing blog posts
-sweeping the floors
-getting clean (ie a shower, or a hair-washing shower)
-shaving (myself or Daddy)

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