A thank you.

July 29, 2010 at 4:09 pm (Uncategorized)

Wolf,

Thank you for the random beating today. Thank you for using me. Thank you for knowing my triggers. And using them. Thank you for the words and the pain and the goodness.

Thank you.

Katie

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Hi. I’m alive.

July 28, 2010 at 9:08 pm (Uncategorized)

Maybe. Kinda. Sorta. Despite my antidepressant being doubled and me being sick today.

I like paper, and apples, and books. Hi.

I am very tired.

I am kneeling here on a pillow next to the bed, wishing Daddy were here but also enjoying the knowledge that what I’m going to do is curl up with my computer and watch Bones. After I’ve read some Al-Anon stuff.

I’m staring at a new journal blank book thing and wanting to use it, but not being able to think of anything important enough to write in it.

If I write 100 words, that means I’ve done something useful, right?

Of course!

…right?

Goodnight,
Katie

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Ponderings

July 26, 2010 at 5:16 pm (Uncategorized)

I wonder if one of the reasons I have trouble keeping up with this blog is that I feel like it has to say something important, that it has to “mean something”. That it has to be useful to future generations of budding submissives.

And why in the world doesn’t WordPress think “submissive” is a real word? Or “WordPress” for that matter.

I’m really enjoying being one of the first 100 people to get to try out SubmissiveGuide’s new community feature.

Daddy is gone for the week, and I’m going to try to be extra-awesomely-good. I made the bed today and found it an awesome place to be, every time I felt that I needed a moment to chill. And thanks to my meds, I can use a moment to chill.

Sitting here like this, ignoring the world, makes me feel more capable. That’s a little counterintuitive AND counterproductive, but oh well.

I have a meeting today.

I have various blank books and they all make me want to start a paper journal. I should put blank journal/sketching pages in my planner.

I want to go to sleep but there’s too much to do.

What does any of this have to do with submission? Nothing much. That’s the problem.

I need to gobble food and then leave.

I’ll write more later.

Katie

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Control

July 23, 2010 at 9:29 pm (Uncategorized)

Wolf has given me an essay assignment. I mentioned a few days ago that the only person one can control is oneself, and his response was, “Interesting. I want an essay on that. 500 words. By Friday.”

Yes, Sir.


One can only control oneself.

When I said that I had been instructed to write on this subject, a friend of mine said, “You do see the irony there, don’t you?” And while I understand what he means, I disagree.

There is no irony. I was instructed; I make the choice to comply. I control my own actions.

I’m struggling to find much else to say on the subject. I gave up control, I choose to give up control. I agreed to give up control. It is my responsibility and my duty to honor that agreement each and every time I am given an order. I cannot control Wolf’s actions, Daddy’s actions, Wolf’s mate’s actions, ultimately even my child’s actions, and none of them can control mine. Daddy and Wolf can demand. I have agreed to that, even begged for it. I desperately want to submit.

To honor my agreement, I sometimes must submit (choose to obey) even when I don’t want to. This becomes very obviously a choice. For example:

“Daddy, may I have some chocolate?”
“No.”

I have choices here. I want the chocolate. Daddy says no. I could whine, cajole, beg and potentially get what I want, but feel bad and insecure because Daddy gave in (or I could get punished for whining, or Daddy could get angry–he has choices, too, you see). I could say, “Okay,” and go eat the chocolate anyway–thus earning a punishment (or, again, anger and harmful arguing, depending on Daddy’s choices). Or I could choose to submit to what Daddy says.

As a parallel–not a converse–it is my duty and responsibility to refuse to submit under harmful circumstances.

“Protect the property.”

This could require that I submit by not submitting. Choices, all round. For instance, I refuse to submit to anger and irrationality. I do not consider that safe. It is harmful. To honor my ultimate agreement–to protect myself–to submit to my Daddy and to honor our contract, sometimes I must refuse to submit. Ideally this is done in some sort of formal manner, but that doesn’t always work out.

Daddy has said that one can only respond to the stimulus the other person is giving, and that if you want a different response you must change your stimulus. Aside from this being circular logic, how one responds remains a choice. If someone says something that upsets me, I have multiple options from which to choose. I could:
A. Say something hurtful in return
B. Walk away
C. Cry
D. Scream and yell
E. Choose to believe that they did not mean to hurt me (or if they did, it is irrelevant for the moment), remain calm and rational, help them calm down, and then fix the problem

Depending on how much I care about the person and how much I care about fixing the problem, I may choose any of those options, no matter what the other person is saying or who it is. I am under my own control.

I am a human being, no matter what I have given up or choose to play at any moment. I have choices. I may not like my choices (eat the chocolate and get punished or don’t eat the chocolate and continue to crave), but I always have them.

I can only control myself. I cannot control others.

Others can only control themselves. They cannot control me unless I choose to be controlled, and I do so love making that choice.

I am a human being. I have choices.

There we go. It’s a bit rambly and probably disjointed and may not have touched on the subjects you wanted, Wolf, but it’s what I can do. I haven’t actually written an essay in about 7 years.

Goodnight!

Katie 🙂

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July 20, 2010 at 8:06 pm (Uncategorized)

I am so tired right now, and in pain. I’m thinking of all the things I should be doing, like reading sub blogs or articles. And working on the household calendar. Getting the chore chart and sticker charts up. All the other household stuff I need to do.

Why is it so hard to just relax? I have this time right now before the baby goes to sleep, when everything I truly need to do tonight done, with time to just sit. Daddy is sitting next to me, Wolf is nearby, and a girl we’re trying to adopt is on my other side, being adorable and sweet. The boy is using Daddy’s computer to watch cartoons, Wolf, the girl and I are using laptops, Daddy for some reason is writing on paper–an unusual sight. The dogs are ranged around us.

I may have had ideas on something to write but I’ve forgotten what now.

Goodnight,
Katie

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19 July, 2010 03:50

July 19, 2010 at 3:50 am (Uncategorized)

I am not responsible for filling the silence. And just for today, I will have a program…

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Late night thoughts.

July 18, 2010 at 12:46 pm (Uncategorized)

Somewhat inspired by doubleknot’s rules and mostly by my current situation, I’ve been thinking about computer-related rules and restrictions, off and on, for the last few days. I’ve been without constant Internet access these last few days, and while I haven’t had any housework to do, it has increased my productivity. I’ve spent more time with my son. I’ve written journal entries and blog posts and a few lines of fiction. I’ve finished two books.

I’ve carried my laptop around the house, closed, and opened it occasionally to do something here and there.

It may be beneficial for me to have very specific uses to which I can put my computer.

I have an iPod. I have books and music on it. My justification in asking for it was to facilitate my housework.

I have not used it for that.

I need to.

I need to trim my email inbox again. I need to unsubscribe from all unnecessary things. I need to filter other things.

Streamlined computer usage.

It’s almost 1am and my friends just left and the baby is asleep and I’m rambling.

I know I let my computer eat my time. I shouldn’t let it. It is not beneficial to my household.

So, first: Analysis.

What do I use my computer for?

-emailing Daddy
-other email
-researching how to be a better submissive and household manager/housekeeper
-iPod-related stuff (for me and for the child)
-communication with friends and my mother
-social club stuff – my office as a list mod
-writing
-blogging
-the editing project for a frined
-general downtime/self-care (Netflix, role-playing, Guardian Island, food, reading, etc)
-Google Reader (sub blogs & MLIA)

I need a couple of hours where I focus on cleaning and clearing out my email, and setting up the appropriate filters. And then putting into place a program where I actually check those filters in a systematic way, to get everything done that I need to get done in a day. And so that missing one day won’t mean I’m drowning in email.

I need to be ruthless.

Potential options: Non-productive computer time earned on a merit system. Specific times of day for household research, club stuff, and role-playing (or special permission to keep up with certain threads via my phone). Specified blogging time.

I need to get the kitchen clean after dinner and the coffee made BEFORE dinner.

Another moment: I talked to Daddy on the phone just now to say goodnight, and I hear in his voice confidence, and love. I explained the computer time thing and he said we’d discuss it when we’re together and can sit down and figure it out and how to fit it into a schedule.

A moment of effortless control. It turns me on.

I like reading other peoples’ rules and protocols. I crave a similar document, something concrete to follow. Something very real.

I want a new rosary, something I can dedicate to slave prayers. I also wish I’d brought my wooden rosary with me, but I brought a hundred other things. I need to learn to pack lighter. Granted, this is lighter, comparatively.

I forget I’m wearing my collar except when I move and feel it. I wore it tight today and it was a near-constant reminder. It’s . . . awesome. Truly awesome.

1:21am. Time for sleep. Thank you, Daddy, for not requiring my 10:30 bed time during this trip.

I will try to be better about sticking to it when I get home.

Goodnight,
Katie

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A thought.

July 17, 2010 at 6:11 pm (Uncategorized)

It has occurred to me that Daddy has recently been asking me to do things more often. Little things. Make his coffee. It’s things like this that he was never comfortable with before. I wonder what’s changed and how he feels when I do as he asks.

And that brings to mind that the one thing Wolf asked me to do before I left was to make coffee and I forgot. Sigh.

I’m not supposed to be beating myself up about that.

But I do see it as a failure, and one that is frequent if I don’t maintain some sort of memory-aid system. I should carry a pen in my pocket and write on my hands when necessary.

Anyway. This started with trying to explain how I felt when I realized that Daddy has been asking me to do things. I had a sudden moment of realization and pride. Pleasure. Pleased that Daddy is pleased enough with me to use me. And comfortable enough with himself, with me, with everything, to do such things.

I want to be a good girl.

I love you, Daddy.

Katie

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A request + more.

July 15, 2010 at 9:32 pm (Uncategorized)

I would like to request that the following protocol be considered:

If the slave feels the need to bring up an issue, she is on her knees during the discussion.

This is inspired partially by other subs whose blogs I read–at least one for whom this is a requirement–and partially by the a newsletter from church. I won’t quote it, but it discusses the purpose of kneeling in prayer, as a reminder of personal position (submission to God) and to eliminate distractions (eyes on the floor).

Another point it brings up is the importantce of one’s attitude, that an attitude of service and submission is more important than one’s physical position.

It would also seem beneficial for the slave to be on her knees if those above her wished to bring up issues, as well.

Please excuse my unusual use of third person in this post. It flowed better that way 😉

Other notes:

I’ve been wearing my collar every day while I’m visiting my parents (which is where I am right now). I can’t wear my “Daddy’s girl” necklace here–that wouldn’t work out well at all. But my parents are used to me wearing a leather dog collar, and so that’s what I’m wearing. I’ve been taking a moment to get my mind right when I put it on in the morning, and a moment when I take it off at night. It also brings to mind the right headspace when I’m outside in the 100F heat and it’s heavy and sweaty on my neck.

This is the first time I’ve been around family since gfcf and antidepressants. It’s interesting. Social interaction is a little easier and it’s easier to let go of frustration and even anger. It’s a good thing.

I want to go home. I miss Daddy. I miss my dogs. I miss Wolf. I miss his mate to some extent but it is different. We are still healing. I don’t want to go into those details right now, but I should sometime, because this blog is meant to be a chronicle. What will I remember in 20 years? What do I want to be able to read?

The good and the bad.

I want more good to record. I want the time and the mental acuity to actually sit down and record the good.

My family is healing. My family has the chance to heal. That’s a good thing.

I want chocolate.

Goodnight,
Katie

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Blanket Night

July 3, 2010 at 11:24 pm (Uncategorized)

Some day, do you suppose I’ll do this when I’m suppose to? We’ll see. Maybe if checks and stickers are involved.

The potential advantage–and the one I anticipated–of living in a household with another submissive and two Doms should be that everyone can learn from eachother, right?

Not so much.

I want to both figure out how to help my fellow household sub learn more, learn how to submit, learn the beauties and glories and safety, and remain in a non-controlling mindset.

I wish she’d read The Surrendered Wife. I wish she’d read Slavecraft and Erotic Slavehood. I wish she’d read Submissive Guide and the myriad of other resources out there, blogs and fetlife and forums. I think that changing her fetlife designation to ‘slave’ and forcing herself to identify that way, giving up her last bit of ‘I am a Domme’ attitude, would help immensely. That’s not to say she couldn’t regain her ‘switch’ mindset later–or beta if that suits her better–but she needs to learn to accept submission as a viable life choice, since she’s, well, made that choice.

Anyway, this blog is supposed to be about my own submission. Right? Right.

But I like to help. I want to help. I have no idea how to help, and especially how to help without being controlling, and that’s hard.

On to how to help me:
I need to get back to reading Submissive Guide most of all, and the books I have lying around (Different Loving, and some erotica Daddy bought me recently). I’m reading way too many books at once (I always am), but still.

Sometimes I feel like I say ‘I’ way, way too much. Is that an only child thing, an entitlement complex, or just me?

I know I have controlling tendencies. And perfectionist tendencies. These can be excellent traits in a butler, right? 😉 Sometimes. Perfectionism is useful when it’s not detrimental. When it’s not paralyzing.

I’ve giving up letting perfectionism paralyze me. Thank you, Celexa. Thank you, gluten-free casein-free.

Thank you for freeing my mind from its chains of depression and ADD. I can FUNCTION!

And ramble. I can definitely ramble.

I’ve put together a “chore” chart for the household, for everyone in it. I say “chore” in quote marks because I don’t like the word. It’s gained a negative connotation in this society, and I don’t think that’s fair at all. These are tasks that every household needs in order to operate smoothly, in a way that best facilitates every member of said household.

And they will get done.

There’s also a sticker chart, lists of where things belong, and lists of how to do things, like clean the bathroom. I’m having fun with these things. I enjoy researching; now that I have a brain, I also enjoy DOING! It’s pretty awesome.

I also enjoy that I can have coffee at 6pm and it does not matter: Celexa is going to knock me out and I am going to sleep 🙂

Goodnight.

Katie!

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