Is this post too cryptic? Sorry. Maybe I’ll fix it later.

January 28, 2010 at 11:55 pm (Uncategorized)

Things are getting better. Things were hard and scary and weird for a while, weeks, off and on, before I started this journal.

Then we made some decisions and some promises, and this journal got started, and was given protocol. And things have been getting better.

Yeah, I’m being repetitive. Sorry, this post is going to have to be stream of consciousness.

Anyway, getting better: Take tonight, for example.

I was cranky and tense and in pain, and really just in need of a good hard cry. And Daddy gathered me into his arms and let me cry, petted me and told me things would be okay, over and over and over. Even when I complained and whined. Even when some (one? I think only one, tonight) of those things were about him.

And then he found the things that would turn me on, and turn him on, and then he fucked me for an hour, even when some of my anxiety would come back and I’d start crying again. And it was all wonderful and amazing and awesome and exactly what I needed. I feel so much more sane right now.

And then he tucked me in and made confused faces when I tried to explain that I felt like a bad girl for staying up till past 2am yesterday, even though he told me I didn’t have to get up with his alarm in the morning, that I could sleep in. Meaning, he wanted me to get enough sleep. And I didn’t respect that. Well, part of the time I was comforting Ma’am through some drama, but mostly I was just reading and playing word games.

So, finally, after my convoluted explanation, Daddy said, "Don’t do it again."

Okay, Daddy. I’ll try. Thank you for not getting angry with me, thank you for your patience. I love you.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Discussion & a letter.

January 26, 2010 at 12:32 am (Uncategorized)

Daddy,

Thank you for my life, my existence, our home, your love, your patience. Thank you for accepting the gift of me and thank you for giving me you.

Katie

Tonight we discussed: Me being argumentative, our 21 day review, the need to buy a new calendar, and maintenance spankings.

Maintenance spankings will not be implemented at this time (though I can still request a spanking or beating if I think I’m slipping; obviously it’s up to Daddy whether it happens or not). We will see what sort of reconnection/reminder ritual we can incorporate into the 21 day review.

New edicts:
If I am argumentative, Daddy will deal with it at the time.
I am not to deal with anything online until after breakfast.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Weekends are chaotic.

January 25, 2010 at 10:39 pm (Uncategorized)

At weekends, the family is often together. Ma’am, her Alpha, the slaveboy. Their dog, the actual canine. Sometimes the cat, too. Daddy, me, our son. And my dogs.

Our house is small, so this is a lot to deal with.

Daddy wanted me to write about this weekend, but I don’t really know what to say. There was some stuff that sort of looked like poly drama but turned out not to be, and there was communication and it was awesome. And I’m proud of everyone for it.

Yeah, that was vague. Okay, because this is supposed to be a chronicle:Slaveboy has abandonment issues, clinginess issues, paranoia and depression.
Ma’am has abandonment issues, depression issues, and severe/frequent chronic pain.
I have abandonment issues, depression issues, and moderate/frequent chronic pain.

I was doing okay. Ma’am was in serious pain. Daddy and Ma’am’s Alpha took the boy away to get dinner.

Slaveboy and I went off to have some fun of our own. We heard Ma’am trying to move; the pain made her scream. He lept up to go help her; she felt guilty for interrupting; he misinterpreted her guilt as anger/jealousy… it just got all mixed up. But we all talked about it, and no one was really angry, there was just a lot of pain, and everything is good now.

Let’s see, more on the weekend… Daddy was calm and patient with me even when I was out of line. I’m really appreciative of that.

I’m exhausted today. Ma’am and I were both in pain for the day, then okay for the evening… now it’s coming back, or at least it is for me. My brain isn’t working. I want to discuss things, I want to read about things. But I just don’t have the brainpower.

And I think Ma’am and I need some alone time, but one or both of us has been in too much pain for the last few days. Maybe tomorrow afternoon, while the boy is napping.

Here are the sites I read for some hours last night while the boy was trying to get to sleep:
This Thing We Do
Finding Sara
The Punishment Book

Shaving time! Yay service.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Erotic Slavehood, Lesson 1

January 22, 2010 at 3:15 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m going through the book Erotic Slavehood, doing the lessons in the workbook and recording them here. "Slave" will be replaced with "submissive", as I am not a slave.

The first lesson gives me two minutes to write down 20 words, thoughts, images that I associate with ‘submissive’. I didn’t get to 20, but here:

service
love
sex
"Yes, sir."
cared for
being useful
Blessing my family
No responsibility (no, that’s not right)
Love. Love.
Subsuming my will to my alpha. (No, not exactly.)
Keep myself, my will, my being, but what alpha says goes.

The book seemed to expect me to come up with some self-denigrating things in there. The exercise was designed to help one feel less guilty for one’s submissive feelings. I honestly have no guilt about this (many, many other things, yes, but not this), so I’m not sure I really "get" this exercise.

But hopefully there’s something here to spark conversation or further thought. Daddy?

The second part of the exercise involved writing down affirmations. Mine are, for now:
I choose to live a life of service.
I consent.
ANCORA IMPARO – I am still learning.

Permalink Leave a Comment

D/s quiz – 20 Questions

January 21, 2010 at 10:08 am (Uncategorized)

This was making its rounds on some sub blogs, so I thought I’d fill it out.

1.Your role?
I am my Daddy’s little girl, Ma’am’s good sub girl. I serve my Daddy, with both domestic and sexual duties. I have served Ma’am’s family in a similar way as well.

2. Current relationship?
My Daddy and I are married. Ma’am has her husband and her slaveboy. She and I are the center of that particular poly circle, with the boys sharing us. Sort of. It’s awesome and makes me smile 🙂

I have some other relationships that are currently long-distance, low-maintenence, and do not involve BDSM, so may not be mentioned here again.

3. Your favourite type of play?
Hmm. Well, I really love impact play, but it doesn’t make me feel submissive, which is probably my favourite thing to feel. It just bruises me and makes me happy as long as I can feel the bruises 🙂

So I guess my answer is: Tickle torture.

4. Your most hated type of play?
Tickle torture!

5. The most annoying habit of your Owner?
That’s not a very fair question. I’m only going to answer this if ordered to.

6. Your deepest fear?
Right this moment? Not being able to make this marriage work.

Otherwise, losing my parents, my grampa, my Daddy, my son and my dogs. All at once, or close together.

7. Your most memorable public experience?
We’ve only been out to a club once. The best part for me was being suspended by ropes, just twirling slowly, and the suspension guy curiously spinning me more and more, surprised that I was enjoying it. I LOVE to spin. I really, really love to spin.

Then Daddy started tickling my feet every time they went by and I screamed and tried not to kick Daddy or the ropes guy in the head.

I was also caned that night by a wonderful woman that I would love to play with more. She was really wonderfully awesome.

I also remember a lot of the people watching saying, "Is she okay?" every time I screamed. I wanted to shout at them, "THIS IS A BDSM CLUB, YOU WERE TOLD PEOPLE WOULD BE SCREAMING, SHUT UUUP"

8. What gets you in the mood?
In the days before childbirth, anything. These days, it depends. A look, a scent. More often, words, the right tone of voice, the right noise of arousal from someone else.

Daddy telling me fantasies in my ear, too. That’s a good one.

9. Favourite method of masturbation?
For me, or to watch? I only have one way that works for me, and it’s pretty boring to watch. But I sure enjoy it 😉

10. Scariest thing you’ve seen or heard of in BDSM land?
Not sure. If you’d said "most disgusting", I would have a lot to say.

Abandonment is scary to me. Mindgames that involve threats to leave or remove a collar or whatever–that’s pretty scary to me.

11. Number of hours you spend on iFet when you should be doing other things?
I’m not sure what is meant by iFet? If you mean Fetlife, then, er, way too many.

12. Thing that was hotter in fantasy than it was in reality?
Hrm. I can’t think of anything right now. Maybe we just haven’t sufficiently explored our fantasies yet 🙂

13. Most longed-for experience?
As mundane as it might be, 24 baby-free hours for Daddy to do whatever he wants with me, with time enough to sleep beside eachother as well.

14. Ouchiest toy?
Anything stingy 😦

15. Book or movie that every newbie has to read/see?
I’m pretty new myself, so I’m not sure I can answer that. I really, REALLY enjoyed Master Fire Ma’am’s book Manual Creation. Our copy walked away with a bottom I used to know, so I need to get another.

Ma’am and I recently really enjoyed watching the French adaptation of The Story of O, and I quite like Secretary. Neither of those are exactly good for education, though :p

16. Thing you’d most like to change about yourself?
Flakiness. Inconsistancy. Disrespectful speech. Whininess.

17. Thing you’re most proud of?
Getting up this morning to make coffee for Daddy. Mundane, yes, but it was really hard for me this morning and I did it anyway.

18. Funniest Dom name you’ve ever heard?
No comment…

19. Do your friends and family know?
Some friends know, some probably know but it’s not something we talk about.

20. Is 20 questions too many?
Nah, not really.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Today’s ramblings.

January 20, 2010 at 5:51 pm (Uncategorized)

"Where to start?" over at my current favourite blog to read, God’s Gift to Him, discusses the fact that in their particular relationship, D/s applies only to their sex life. It talks about exerting "showing his dominance in a place where He doesn’t really have it" as a form of foreplay.

I understand this as valid and I’m glad it works for them, but I wanted to write about how much that would unsettle me.

For me, I feel safe and secure when I know I can rely on Daddy to be in charge of life. If Daddy doesn’t want me to go out, I may whine and complain, but ultimately it’s up to him and I’m okay with that. I WANT that.

And if my whining and complaining is unacceptable, then I hope Daddy would correct me.

Now, if there were some aspect of my life not in Daddy’s purview (my relationship with Ma’am, maybe, or my girl who lives elsewhere) and he tried to say I couldn’t do it, "for fun"… that would really upset me. That wouldn’t be "fun".

Hrm. That sounds convoluted. Ask for clarification, I’ll try to give it.

I feel the need to say here that I’m a submissive, not a slave. If we didn’t have a child, if I didn’t have certain very strong beliefs, maybe I could give myself up completely. But things are as they are, and I want to give myself up to my Daddy as much as I can.

I want to find and do what works for us.

And I want to write it all down and know it and… sigh.

I want to know that I’m good and okay. So often I feel like I’m demanding, "Dominate me!" and especially when I’m saying, hey, here are the things I can’t handle…

But I suppose that’s how I should look at it. There are a very few things that are hard limits for me, things that would damage me or damage our relationship. And it would be irresponsible not to tell Daddy about those things.

Daddy, would it be helpful to you if I find a limits checklist and/or some other BDSM "quiz" type things to fill out and post to this journal? List of effective punishments? List of ways I think I could improve my behaviour/skills/etc? (So you can decide if you want to work on any of them.) When you set rules and protocol, do you want to list the associated type of punishment in a document (as you’ve done with the protocol regarding this journal)?

And, another question for Daddy: What makes you feel dominant/alpha/Daddy?

Note to self: Write another time about erotic spanking vs punishment spanking vs cathartic spanking. Also the exercise currently in progress from Erotic Slavehood. Also the importance of hearing my Daddy’s voice, but also that it’s probably possible to be told that I’ll hear him when he wants, and to be quiet. That could potentially make things even more wild.

Permalink 3 Comments

Success!

January 20, 2010 at 9:43 am (Uncategorized)

This is a test of posting via email from my phone.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Begging

January 19, 2010 at 8:23 pm (Uncategorized)

Today, I hurt.  Inside and out–and not for good reasons.

Physically, the pain comes from my body and its problems.  My joints hurt.  My eyes hurt from crying.  My head hurts from pressure.  My back hurts.

Emotionally, the pain comes from not being good enough, and not knowing how to make it better.

I love you, Daddy.  I’m trying.  I will try.

And I trust you to make it better.

Permalink 1 Comment

Hello, world. An introductory post.

January 18, 2010 at 1:35 pm (Uncategorized) ()

Hi.  I’m Katie.

I’m biologically female.  Sometimes I’m a girl.  Sometimes I’d rather be a boy.  Most of the time, in my head, I don’t care for gender at all.  I’m just me.

I’m always my Daddy’s little girl.

I’m attracted to images and personalities and scents, not usually to genitalia.
This blog is meant to be a chronicle of our journey down the path toward a 24/7 D/s marriage.  We like the Head of Household model, we like some things from the BDSM community, we like some things from Christian Domestic Discipline and some things from Taken in Hand, but none of them are perfect.

So it boils down to,

as Daddy said today,

“I lead.  You follow.”

Yes, Daddy.

And I don’t comprehend monogamy.  I understand that it is the best way for some, but it is not for me, or for us.  Aside from Daddy, this blog may sometimes mention Ma’am and her slaveboy.  Probably Ma’am’s Alpha as well.

Our family is rather diverse 🙂

Anyway.  That’s my intro.

The protocol for this journal, as established by my Daddy, is as follows:

  • I must make a post at least every third day, starting now.
  • discussions and implementation of new protocol or rules must be recorded here
  • punishment for failing the deadline: No Internet until a post is made; can email Daddy and the blog and can do social volunteer work only.  No Neopets, blog reading, emailing friends etc

Permalink Leave a Comment