A day.

February 24, 2010 at 8:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Today’s been one of the good days. Not great–I’ve been way too crazy for that–but good.

And by that I mean, Daddy has let all of my crazy slide around him like a river around a rock. He started to get caught up in the current, once, but he stopped, and let it go, and told me to let it go too. I had a lot more trouble than he did, but that’s okay–I came to it eventually.

My Daddy is awesome.

More psychologist appointments are in my future. Dunno how much I should write about that here.

Yeah.

Goodnight.

Advertisements

Permalink Leave a Comment

Update

February 23, 2010 at 5:28 pm (Uncategorized)

This weekend was bad.

So very bad.

I’m both ecstatic and terrified that I have another psychologist appointment tomorrow.

Ecstatic because I know I need it. Terrified because what if it doesn’t help in time?

Big Brother had to be called in this weekend to talk sense into me, and to use his healing magic.

And then it still wasn’t enough and Daddy held me while I screamed and thrashed and tried so hard to get away.

Thank you, Daddy, for not letting me win.

For not letting the darkness win.

Yes, yes, that was dramatic and emo and stuff. Sorry for that. It’s the best way for it to make sense to me, without going into boring clinical detail, or anonymity-destroying detail.

On a less ridiculous sort of note, I’ve followed the herd and signed up for Formspring.me. Head over there and ask me anything… if it’s not offensive, I’ll probably answer it.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Here again.

February 18, 2010 at 9:53 pm (Uncategorized)

So. Consistency is an issue for me. For us. It always has been. We’re working on it. Slowly.

Anyway.

I’m supposed to be writing something here. I’m curled up in bed, wrapped up in Daddy’s blanket. I stole it from him when he went to take a shower. I have no idea what to write. Ma’am is officially here to stay. Her piano arrives on Saturday, hopefully. Daddy and I went to a BDSM friendly psychologist for an appointment; she’ll take us for couples therapy or take one of us individually. I’m pretty sure Daddy’s decision is going to be that I go for therapy for the depression. Especially after today.

Today was just… one of those days. The morning was bad. I’d done nothing the night before to make the morning go smoothly, as I am supposed to do. No clean clothes for Daddy, no coffee, and his alarm didn’t go off properly. I spent some time sobbing after Daddy left for work and Ma’am left for school, and then pulled myself together, forced some breakfast into me, and got some help from the One With Spines. And then I did do my work, which surprises me. I got laundry done, I got the house halfway toward ready for the weekend. We’ll have the family plus two. Crazy.

This doesn’t have a lot to do with lifestyle stuff, does it? Well, other than the constant undercurrent of the fact that I’m living with two Dominants, and it’s my job to serve, there hasn’t been anything overt lately. Ma’am and her Alpha did a beautiful scene this past weekend, and it felt so right cuddled up with slaveboy on my pillow ("I’ll share my pillow with you. Consider it a sisters thing."), with Daddy’s hand on my head, watching. It was awesome, but it’s not mine to tell.

Daddy spent time on the phone today, calming me down. In the past, before we came to some conclusions and some growth, me freaking out like I did today would have ended in fighting and badness and Daddy trying so hard to understand but getting angry when he couldn’t. Instead, today, when I said I was overwhelmed, he gave me a clear path ("Do the laundry in the hamper, don’t worry about anything else."). That helped so much more than just being told over and over that I don’t suck and that the things I did wrong didn’t matter. They DO matter, it’s my JOB. So being given a direction… was so helpful, and I got a lot more done than just the laundry. Thank you, Daddy.

I feel like I’m ignoring Ma’am, here in this blog. But I don’t mean to be. She’s here, and it’s awesome, and she talks talks talks with me which gives me an outlet and takes some of that pressure off of Daddy. My primary love language is "quality time, subset talking", and so is Ma’am’s–but Daddy’s is "words of affirmation", which I’m trying to learn. We all three share "physical touch" as a secondary language, which is awesome.

I suppose I’ll have more to say about Ma’am as time goes on, the longer she’s here.

Although I did tell her she’s "Ma’am" in this blog and she said, "Really? That’s AWESOME." And I was amused 🙂

Well, that was quite a ramble. Not sure I hit any important points, but this is meant to be a chronicle, for me to read over in a year, five years, ten years. I want to see where we were and how far we’ve come. And that means rambling, which is what I do best.

Note: I want slaveboy and me to go to this place.

Permalink Leave a Comment

? here is a post? I guess?

February 16, 2010 at 8:40 am (Uncategorized)

I don’t even want to think about how far behind I am with blogging. The whole family is here, has been here this weekend, and that tends to throw everything into chaos.

Ma’am is moving in, so her Alpha and her slaveboy have been scrubbing the basement clean so we can set it up for her to live down there.

I really don’t know what to write about. We’re all trying to learn to state our boundaries, desires, and needs, so everyone can get the care they need before explosions happen.

I’m really proud of Daddy and grateful for his patience.

It’s morning and I haven’t had breakfast yet and I’m cuddling the baby, and I can’t think of anything to write exceptt about how many dishes there are to do (unless slaveboy did them last night). I should write about scenetime last night, but… do I have the brain power? It was pretty and awesome and Ma’am sounded and looked so happy at her Alpha’s feet (metaphorically and literally). Fire scares me. Daddy laughed when Ma’am asked for a pillow and slaveboy and I both jumped up to get a pillow. He was faster than me, and I all but stomped my foot like a little girl. Daddy said, "The subs are fighting over who gets to get the pillow…"

And then I felt like not-a-good-servant for being childish like that :p

Although I guess childish is what’s expected of little girls.

Maybe I can write something more worthwhile later. For now: Over and out…

Permalink Leave a Comment

10 February, 2010 18:33

February 10, 2010 at 6:33 pm (Uncategorized)

Our Internet connection is too flaky b/c of snow for me to read or comment on other blogs, or make a good post to this one 😦

Permalink Leave a Comment

Control

February 6, 2010 at 10:05 am (Uncategorized)

I’ve been reading this series of posts over at A Virtuous Woman, which may seem like a strange source of information for me, but I believe in getting help wherever help is available. The goal is to feel and show more respect for Daddy, to choose respect. I have every reason to respect him, yet I find myself nagging and trying to control, and whining, and rolling my eyes. And that’s not okay. At least, it’s not okay with me.

The problem I have is, in the back of my head right now is the little voice saying, "But he needs to listen to the baby more, and how can you not nag when it takes ten tries to get his attention or get him to come to the table for dinner? Didn’t he start taking a shower every day because of you? You can teach, help, instruct, successfully."

Sigh.

It’s that voice that needs to go.

On the other hand, maybe if I offered a blowjob every time Daddy were to come to the table the first time I call for dinner being ready, it’d be easier 🙂 (That’s what happened with the showers.)

But that’s not right either. Arg. See, no matter how much I WANT to submit, want to give up my control… I fight it. I fight so hard. I want things my way. Especially when it has to do with the baby. And for those things, I think it’s really important (how’s he supposed to learn to communicate if he’s not listened to?). But but but.

I’m going to start crying in a minute.

I think what it comes down to is, I either want Daddy to respect me and the baby enough to actually listen to us and respond, or I want him to tell me to stop expecting things my way.

But that’s still getting things my way!

Arrrrrrg!

I’m trying to change. I really am.

I love you, Daddy. Thank you for my life.

Permalink Leave a Comment

A letter and some thoughts.

February 4, 2010 at 11:43 pm (Uncategorized)

Daddy,

I want to be more respectful, better able to accept what you say/decide/do, you want that too (I think?), but you won’t deal with it when it happens. I need help.

I’m begging for help.

Please teach me, guide me, help me do better.

I need you to stay strong, I need you to be able to face problems big and small without thinking that you suck. Take responsibility, not blame.

I want to follow but that doesn’t mean it comes easily to me.

I am a bossy little girl and a know-it-all old lady.

Please remind me of my responsibility.

Katie

* * *

Things are so up-and-down and roller-coastery right now. We’re trying to get an appointment with a psychologist who is BDSM-friendly, hopefully to find help for both of us. The foundation of our relationship, for me, is trembling right now. And that scares me and that’s not how I want it to be.

And without that foundation, this whole thing–this dynamic–won’t work.

On the other hand, maybe I’m looking at that wrong. From the BDSM perspective, people usually try to make sure the vanilla foundation of the relationship is working before adding in any power exchange.

But from the Domestic Discipline, "TTWD" perspective, what I’ve seen so far has been… this IS the foundation of the relationship. This is what SAVES some relationships.

I don’t mean that to be grasping at straws or something. I just mean… there seem to be two different ways of looking at power exchange; one as an add-on to a relationship, and one as the basis of a relationship.

Not really sure what else to write. I’m going to keep reading and writing and trying to learn to listen to Daddy.

Maybe I’ll ask Big Brother for some book recommendations on communication. Although I should finish his last recommendation first (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus).

Right now, I will finish Erotic Slavehood, and I just picked up The Surrendered Wife. I’m looking forward to reading that.

Permalink 2 Comments

1 February, 2010 13:52

February 1, 2010 at 1:52 pm (Uncategorized)

I think I’m two days behind on this post, and I didn’t think to count it up before doing many other things online today. Sigh.

Permalink Leave a Comment