Nine days. 1000 Words.

June 2, 2010 at 5:13 pm (Uncategorized)

Nine days. Nine days delinquency.

I’m not sure what this will mean for me in the next couple of days.

I have no excuses, only explanations, and honestly a big one of those is, ‘No one seemed to notice, and if they don’t care, why should I?’

I know that’s not actually true. It was noticed. Perhaps Wolf was thinking the same thing, or something similar–not saying anything and just waiting to see how long I would let it go. I don’t know.

It was my plan to sit here and write for two hours, non-stop stream of consciousness about nothing and/or everything. I don’t think that is going to happen, though. My attention will wander, or I’ll start hating how I sound, and I’ll stop.

The last many days have taken a lot out of me. I’ve been sick, been crazy, other family members have flipped out, the household has been in some form of chaos, and now I’m having a period for the second time in about two and a half weeks. I’m sort of done. I want to be done now, please.

Right at this very moment, I’m not even finding comfort in the idea of submission. That bothers me, or at least it would bother me if I weren’t feeling so sociopathic. (WordPress doesn’t think “sociopathic” is a word. It also doesn’t think “WordPress” is a word, apparently.) I’ve come to know myself well enough to know that when I’m in this kind of mood, this strange mood where I don’t care about anyone or anything, which I suppose is a sign of depression, where was my sentence? Hold on, let me try this again.

I’ve come to understand that while I may feel this way in the moment, I will care again, and so I must act as if I care so that everything I care about will still be there when I “wake up” again. It doesn’t usually take long. This may only take dinner, a shower, and some cuddles from Daddy. Maybe something to eradicate the sin of failing to write for so long. I assume that won’t be in a beating–especially since I’ll be requesting a beating tonight–but in something that would actually be punishment. Atonement.

Extrapolating on my normal desires and on how I felt earlier today, I have to assume that even though I am apathetic right now, later I will want to play. Scene. Get dominated and beaten.

I’m not allowed to have penetrative sex until Saturday. I expected this to be annoying and difficult, but right now it’s oddly freeing. It takes the pressure off of me to have to be ‘a good girl’ and be ready.

I want to feel safe. Used. Owned.

I need to feel that Daddy is fully present, so that I can let myself go.

I need to know that he’s truly home, again. Still. So that I can feel safe in letting go and truly submitting in the context of a scene.

I can submit in a functional way in daily life–follow direction, ask permission, etc. But sometimes, most of the time, it’s just by rote. For a few glorious days, it was true, it felt right, because I knew Daddy was home again. Even if the actions were by rote, when I accepted them, I felt “slave”.

And then we fought again, and now I don’t know. I’m scared again.

I’m not sure how to remedy this. Maybe this weekend will fix it. Daddy and I are going off for a weekend while Wolf and his mate stay with the child, because they are awesome.

It takes me at least three hours to relax and really understand that we’re away and I can rest and not have to worry about the baby. Maybe when I can finally relax enough to let go like that, I can see it. I can understand. I smell it, feel it. Remember that Daddy really is home.

Or, if necessary, drag him home šŸ™‚

I have no more words. I need sleep, or food, or both.

I’m hiding in the closet in the baby’s room right now, with the bedroom door closed and the closet door closed, nestled in a huge pile of pillows and blankets, with Daddy’s blanket stretched across the closet shelf as an extra insulating door, where he put it to comfort me. And I’m playing a thunderstorm on my computer while I write, to help drown out sound, and I can still hear sounds that are bothering me. Wolf’s mate is singing–I LOVE it when she sings–but it’s bothering me, too, and that is not a good sign at all.

It’s getting better, though. The closed doors are helping, and maybe they’ve gotten quieter. Or I’ve gotten used to it. Or something.

Wolf is cooking dinner. It will be wonderful, because it is rice noodles in a peanut sauce.

I’ve spent the day focused largely on food. Most of my open tabs in Chrome have something to do with food–food blogs, Chowhound, Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu. I have lots of research to do. I’m trying to come up with a couple of menus, and I will probably be actually cooking them, to test. It will be interesting.

Wolf’s mate and I are planning a picnic sometime in the near future. There may be scrambled eggs, and I am so tempted to cook a rabbit. Unbelievably tempted. This website is encouraging me greatly.

Most of my background is in winter foods, hearty stick-to-the-ribs stuff, but it’s nearly summer and that just won’t do.

Cold colonial rabbit, a loaf of gluten-free bread, some honey, some safflower potatoes, a slaw of some kind, maybe some cold canned beets, and some cold gluten-free berry cobbler? Sounds excellent to me. I want it all, right now.

I’m hungry.

Quail also sounds excellent. Can one do saffron quail or is quail considered too strongly flavoured? How about a good saffron rice with a simple roasted quail, and some seasonal vegetables alongside?

I love living where I know I can go out to the store and buy quail and rabbit. It makes me very, very happy.

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