Journal prompt: Why do you want to be controlled?

May 11, 2010 at 12:28 pm (Uncategorized)

Amusingly, fetlife is down for the moment, so I can’t poke around there and read, which is what I was planning on doing right this moment… so here I am, to be productive, instead! Hi.

There’s a prompt over at the journal prompts section of Submissive Guide which says: Why do you want to be controlled?

It’s an interesting question, and right now, a hard one to answer. I have no idea why my soul sores when Daddy holds me down and slaps me when I hesitate in doing what he’s told me to do, although I can guess that the adrenaline of fear has something to do with it. Why I get the same feeling when he puts his hand on the back of my neck or grabs my hair and puts me where he wants me, I don’t know.

I can give my usual stated reasons for choosing submission: It provides security, safety, love, passion. I enjoy serving those I love. And despite telling Big Brother otherwise, I am afraid of responsibility and I don’t want to have to deal with the world. And I use my position in life to help me hide from it.

But I also use that position to help me deal with those fears, and try to work through them. There are times when Daddy or Wolf won’t let me hide. And that helps.

I can ramble on and on about all the reasons I like to be controlled, but I don’t think that really gets down to the real “why”. Why do I feel those things? Why is being controlled a pleasant experience for me? Is it just human nature–animal nature–that we all enjoy the dance? I do think that’s part of it. Is it something to do with how I was raised? Possibly. My parents kinda dropped the ball. I know I’ve been looking for that security since I was very young, and struggling to find it.

I know, intellectually, that I have that safety and security and love now.

But I still have moments, days, when I think it’s all going to be taken away. I still have panicky moments of, “This is going to end and I’m going to have to go home (to my mom and dad and their horrible house).”

But I am home.

I’m not sure what sort of conclusion I should put here. “I don’t know why I want to be controlled, I just know that I do”?

I suppose that’ll do.

It’s naptime now!

Katie

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1 Comment

  1. Wolf said,

    You are safe. And we now have patio furniture.

    Not that the two have much to do with each other.

    ~W

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