Choice Redux

May 2, 2010 at 7:55 pm (Uncategorized)

Wolf told me to “expound more on choice” in this post.

I’m honestly not sure what to write. I wish I could wait till morning, till some food and a cup of cocoa and sitting on the couch, curled up in Daddy’s blanket, when I could think.

Today has been full: Kitchen cleaning, sex, the snake lecture from slaveboy, garage sales, shopping, family time/fire time.

So my brain is taking time to engage, but once it does, I’m sure I’ll be able to ramble.

All relationships are choices. Love is a choice. Trust is a choice. Faith is a choice.

It is always a choice to continue a relationship. It is always a choice to end one. It is always a choice to care for or love someone else.

Love isn’t a magic feeling that “just happens”. No, that’s addiction. Love is a choice. It is your choice to let things get to you, or to be compassionate and figure out why the other person feels the way they do, and try to help them meet their needs (at the expense of your needs, or not — that’s your choice, too). It is your choice to cultivate feelings of love, and they do take cultivation. Nurturing.

The Lion Potter in Pennsylvania said something very strange to me, once. I said that my father was an alcoholic, and I didn’t understand why my mother doesn’t just leave him.

And the Lion Potter said, “She can’t leave him now.”

I just looked at him like he was crazy and told him she’d been waiting 15 years, but I think I understand better now. “She can’t leave him now when he needs her the most.”

And honestly, if she took better care of herself, I think her life with him would be less difficult, and maybe she would be able to help him with his addiction (or help him realize he has an addiction).

Or not. Who knows.

It’s her choice. It’s her choice to stay in that situation, for her own reasons.

It was my choice to leave.

It is my choice to live in this family.

My child was my choice, though I may not have felt that way at the time. Abortion does not enter into my head as a possible option, for me–ever. So while conception was an accident, it was one I was stuck with (and that took me a long time to get over). I felt trapped.

My Love Overseas said to me during those days, “But it is a choice. You made the choice to keep him, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

And I’m glad I did. He’s the coolest little boy in the world.

But anyway.

Submission is a choice. I make this choice every day. Every time I do something even though I don’t want to, and then I get satisfaction out of it because it pleases Daddy and/or Wolf, it illustrates the choices I’ve made (and also why I made them).

This life is a choice.

I choose to submit.

I consent.

Katie

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2 Comments

  1. Wolf said,

    Excellent post, Katie. I approve. I thoroughly enjoyed your mental meanderings, and how you touched on many parts of your life. And we all thoroughly appreciate the choices you have made; the decisions you make and deal with every day. I am proud of you.

    ~Wolf

  2. littlekatieface said,

    Huh. Reading over that post, it’s a lot more tight than I thought it would be (I didn’t read it before I posted it).

    Wolf,

    Thank you. Thank you.

    Katie

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