Here again.

February 18, 2010 at 9:53 pm (Uncategorized)

So. Consistency is an issue for me. For us. It always has been. We’re working on it. Slowly.

Anyway.

I’m supposed to be writing something here. I’m curled up in bed, wrapped up in Daddy’s blanket. I stole it from him when he went to take a shower. I have no idea what to write. Ma’am is officially here to stay. Her piano arrives on Saturday, hopefully. Daddy and I went to a BDSM friendly psychologist for an appointment; she’ll take us for couples therapy or take one of us individually. I’m pretty sure Daddy’s decision is going to be that I go for therapy for the depression. Especially after today.

Today was just… one of those days. The morning was bad. I’d done nothing the night before to make the morning go smoothly, as I am supposed to do. No clean clothes for Daddy, no coffee, and his alarm didn’t go off properly. I spent some time sobbing after Daddy left for work and Ma’am left for school, and then pulled myself together, forced some breakfast into me, and got some help from the One With Spines. And then I did do my work, which surprises me. I got laundry done, I got the house halfway toward ready for the weekend. We’ll have the family plus two. Crazy.

This doesn’t have a lot to do with lifestyle stuff, does it? Well, other than the constant undercurrent of the fact that I’m living with two Dominants, and it’s my job to serve, there hasn’t been anything overt lately. Ma’am and her Alpha did a beautiful scene this past weekend, and it felt so right cuddled up with slaveboy on my pillow ("I’ll share my pillow with you. Consider it a sisters thing."), with Daddy’s hand on my head, watching. It was awesome, but it’s not mine to tell.

Daddy spent time on the phone today, calming me down. In the past, before we came to some conclusions and some growth, me freaking out like I did today would have ended in fighting and badness and Daddy trying so hard to understand but getting angry when he couldn’t. Instead, today, when I said I was overwhelmed, he gave me a clear path ("Do the laundry in the hamper, don’t worry about anything else."). That helped so much more than just being told over and over that I don’t suck and that the things I did wrong didn’t matter. They DO matter, it’s my JOB. So being given a direction… was so helpful, and I got a lot more done than just the laundry. Thank you, Daddy.

I feel like I’m ignoring Ma’am, here in this blog. But I don’t mean to be. She’s here, and it’s awesome, and she talks talks talks with me which gives me an outlet and takes some of that pressure off of Daddy. My primary love language is "quality time, subset talking", and so is Ma’am’s–but Daddy’s is "words of affirmation", which I’m trying to learn. We all three share "physical touch" as a secondary language, which is awesome.

I suppose I’ll have more to say about Ma’am as time goes on, the longer she’s here.

Although I did tell her she’s "Ma’am" in this blog and she said, "Really? That’s AWESOME." And I was amused 🙂

Well, that was quite a ramble. Not sure I hit any important points, but this is meant to be a chronicle, for me to read over in a year, five years, ten years. I want to see where we were and how far we’ve come. And that means rambling, which is what I do best.

Note: I want slaveboy and me to go to this place.

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